I must admit, I’m a “questionable” character. But that doesn’t mean I’m dishonorable, untrustworthy or morally weak.
Instead, I’m a student of questions—and have been my entire life. They helped me get dates in high school. They led to my success in sales. They were the driving force behind all my books.
And now, I find myself asking questions related to the greater challenges we face in this world. Perhaps the most important one relates to this:
How can we solve these issues if we can’t even talk to each other?
Seriously, we need to be able to work with people who come from different backgrounds, who have different perspectives from us.
Think of how you’d feel if you were talking to one of the “others” and you stated your opinion on a specific topic, and they responded …
- Whose Kool-Aid have you been drinking?
- Where in the world did you get that idea?
- That will never work. It’s insane.
If I was on the receiving end of those comments, I’d be pissed off. There would be no chance we could come together to resolve the challenge.
When I was in sales, I discovered that if I asked prospective customers, “Why are you doing it that way?”, they immediately got defensive. It was like I was questioning their intelligence.
It was the word “why” that set them off—and minimized my chances of doing business with them.
So, I experimented with my questions—and how I asked them. For example, I might say, “How did your process develop?” And I’d have lots of follow-up questions to learn more like, “What’s working? What challenges are you having?”
Plus, I was genuinely interested in their answers. And that’s how I developed good working relationship with new people.
The same can hold true when we’re talking to people about what’s happening in the world. We can’t just avoid those who have different beliefs.
Instead, we need to have conversations where we are genuinely curious. And we need to keep experimenting to find out what works better.
Not only does this reduce defensiveness, but it develops your relationship—which means that instead of fighting, you can work together.
P.S. Here are some really good resources on this topic:
I Never Thought of It That Way
by Monica Guzman
How to Know a Person
by David Brooks
A Braver Way podcast
with Monica Guzman
